Stuff that happened and other things

I am the person that pop-up ads and computer viruses were designed to attack. I recently [as in about 15 minutes ago] clicked on some pop up page that was telling me that my Google Chrome wasn’t updated and that I needed to download the latest version. 

So, I clicked “download” … and then I read the statement at the bottom saying that this download was in no way affiliated with Google Chrome… and now I have a BAJILLION pop ups and every time I try to click something or navigate throughout the web I am directed to all these other websites and I am losing my mind. 

I think I need to get a clue.


ANYWAYS – fucking pantyhose. What the hell. With today being a cold day and all I decided to wear a pair of “sweater tights” I purchased a while back and have never worn before underneath a pair of work slacks – ew, slacks – anyways. Why is “control top” even a thing? I was shocked to find that the top of this pair of tights met the bottom of my bra. They were practically up to my neck that’s how high they went. And boy, were these tights TIGHT. SO TIGHT, like, leave a horrifying imprint that looks like a scar from a surgery gone awry-tight. These weren’t even “control top” pantyhose either, just some cheap $5 pair from Target!!! So I thought whatever and wore them anyways. After about 30 minutes wearing these things I realized that my organs had actually shifted and was experiencing some of the worst gastrointestinal pain I’ve felt since my last period. I even think that the squeezing of my organs gave me gas [hence the pain?] Unless today was just a gassy day… anyways I am just upset. 

Why are they so freaking uncomfortable? Why do people wear them? Is the squished organ thing I was experiencing something I should be concerned about? Are there more comfortable styles out there? I think I will just stick with my CuddlDuds from now on. What a waste of $5. 

>>>> THIS THOUGH<<<<

High heels and that scary *clonk clonk clonk* – whats with that? I have never considered the sound of a pair of heels clicking on a hard surface to be sexy, alluring or even sensual. The sound of heels, especially heels moving at a fast pace, is absolutely horrifying to me. I feel like that noise should be included in a lot more horror movies. Heels sound angry. Heels sound like death. I was at a work function tonight where there were a gaggle of women in all sorts of ridiculously high heels and I thought whateva. Anyways, I wasn’t thinking whateva while I was using the restroom and all I could hear was the gallop of some clodhoppers getting louder and louder, closer and closer [the acoustics in this place were amazeballs]I felt completely trapped in my stall and could feel my heart racing as they continued to approach me. I almost shrieked and then I realized it was just some sloshed chick who had to pee really bad. It was that moment exactly when I realized that the sound of heels on a hard surface is something that strikes fear in my heart. 



An open letter to my dog [and other things]

My Dearest Rocky,

Just because I didn’t eat that last slice of pizza it doesn’t mean that I wanted you to have it. I am really upset that you ate it and we both know what you did was not good. Pretty soon you will not be feeling too well, and things will take a horrible turn when liquid shit steams out of your bum. You know you have a sensitive stomach. I don’t want to deal with that, and neither do you.  I wish I could say I hope you will have learned your lesson, but I know better.

Until next time,



Sometimes by best thoughts/ideas/inspiration comes to me from the shower. I’m not saying that my shower talks to me or feeds me information, I am saying that I generate this stuff whilst showering.

TODAY – I am going to Afton Apple to be “crazed by the maze” – a 15 acre “haunted” corn maze with my friends. I am so excited! Apple donuts, apple sausages, apple cider…. spooky autumn wonderfulness! This year’s theme is in honor of St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. I am sooooooo excited! What a perfect end to my week [today is my Friday] – lets get ready to rumble! I haven’t decided if I will bring a flashlight or try to go through with nothing but my love, my friends & my night-blindness. HA!



The internet… the world wide web… the one place you can be completely anonymous [unless someone tracks you down via ip address and what-not] and do/see/say whatever it is that your twisted little heart may desire.

Elton is doing this thing where he doesn’t realize that I am not trying to cuddle with him. I think he is so cute and I giggle as I write this but I really do want to pick him up and play “launch kitty” where he soars onto the floor from the bed… after I toss him. He is adorable and I love him yet I am terribly allergic, so if I don’t pay attention to where he is going [like near my face] I tend to end up with hives. Not breathing really isn’t fun. Him walking on my laptop isn’t fun either.

I tend to overreact. I don’t know if I have ever mentioned that before. I guess I am very sensitive, delicate and temperamental. It has always been a joke that if I were a dog I would be a poodle. Ill take that. Poodles are alright. They do stuff in the circus which has kind of been a dream of mine for a long while now.

 look at how classy and sassy that poodle is! Definitely diggin’ it!

I’d be a poodle. If Reed were a dog he’d be a lab for sure. Elton would be a German Shepard. I think Rocky would be something like… himself since he is a dog but if he were a CAT Rocky would have to be something liiiike a Savannah cat… big, wild, jump, loyal and loud!

So I totally overate tonight. It was epic and disgusting. I do it every so often. More often that I would care to admit actually but I am admitting it. I ate about 3-4 servings of waffle fries [exact quantity unknown] with MAYO and hot sauce… goodness I KNOW, I KNOW! DONT’ JUDGE ME! But you can judge me… I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. Anyways.. of course as soon as I finish stuffing my face we decided to go on a walk…?

Why did I go? Why did I do it? Between the horrible lung capacity from smoking [slowly cutting back, on my way to QUITTING] the obnoxiously full belly and the sore ass body from sleeping like a log I can honestly say that tonight I experienced the worst walk of my life. So far because I am sure I will have worse in the future, but this was the worst so far. Oh God, I was dry heaving and begging for mercy, begging for Reed to slow down, begging to sit on stoops belonging to strangers in our neighborhood, begging Reed to leave me, return home to grab the car and come get me… HA! How pathetic! It was a good 45 minute BRISK walk so I shouldn’t have been so close to death like I was. I blame it mostly on the fact that I gorged myself before moving. What a dumb idea. Why didn’t we wait? It’s not like we were on a time limit, or had a curfew or anything. Just in a rush to live!

So now I am in bed. With my sleepy time tea, loaded up on Melatonin, waiting for the computer to die so I can slink down further into bed and dream that I am laying on a beautiful white sandy beach near the ocean. With my  first deep breath in I will imagine the tide rolling up to my toes, with each breath out the tide will roll back out, with the next breath in the tide will roll further up my legs, then back out, further up my body and so on\, ebb and flow of the tide onto myself until I have fallen asleep or the tide has come so far up that the ocean has consumed me and I turn into a mermaid which is usually a sign that I am sleeping.


Silver Foxes

As my birthday fast approaches I like to think that I am going to age gracefully. I don’t know if the term Silver Fox can be applied to women or if it is specifically geared towards men of a certain age but who cares, I think I’d like to become one!

Silver foxes are my spirit animal, so naturally as I age I would like to be considered one.

The other day at work my pal Bre shoo’d away a co-worker because she just had to tell me a secret. She kept shooing him away saying “it’s a private secret, about myself, go away”… so finally he left us to giggle in our little cove and she said it.

“Maria, you have a grey hair”…

I know she was expecting me to freak out and become emotional with the thought of aging and grey hair and I really, really, really appreciate her being so fucking considerate about my feelings, but I just laughed. Out loud. I had already noticed the hair months ago! I informed her of my previous knowledge, and called our co-worker to inform him that the secret was actually about the grey hair I had sprouted.

It’s not even grey though. Its not dull or drab or boring or mousy.. its this beautiful, iridescent, silvery awesomeness that makes me feel like I am slowly transforming into a unicorn. I feel like getting a few more wouldn’t necessarily be a baaad thing. Not great either because I know from experience that going grey definitely aged me about 10 years.

That was a washed out-green undertone very nasty spur of the moment playing with bleach, tones & color with a hair stylist. It was a bad night of experimentation where I thought that maybe this green goblin color would work but unfortunately it didn’t. So, with that comparison in mind I am thinking if the rest of my grey’s come through equally beautiful and shiny and sparkly and magical then I wont have a single damn problem with them.

If they come in green… well that is another issue all together.

I must note that my dear sweet boyfriend really outdid himself [and me] with birthday presentry. We are 10 days apart in October and we’ve already exchanged b-day gifts. His for me = awesommeeee! I got a Kindle complete with adorable leathery type case that has a built in reading light. He even took the time to load it up with books for me! I have already the complete Harry Potter series AND the Anne Rice novels!! WHAT? I got a beautiful bouquet of fall flowers. And today he surprised me with an exceptionally gorgeous glass tea kettle! DAAAWWWW!!

I got him: shoes that didn’t fit, pants that didn’t fit, 1 pair of novelty grunders, a key chain and had the upholstery of his car cleaned after I detailed it. And made him vacuum it all out. HA! Horrible Maria! You suck at giving gifts! So – I cant help but giggle at myself – I have to return the shoes and the pants and from there he can either replace with shoes and pants that fit, or use the cash monies to hopefully buy me more presents since he is just so damn good at spoiling me!

This bum…


I love my cat! Elton is probably the sweetest boy I have ever come to know. Without him… I don’t know where I might be!

I walked too much today. By choice. I know, weird. Weird for me. For anyone else 3 miles of walking wouldn’t get as much as the bat of an eyelash but for me oh my goodness! It’s been a while since I’ve actually moved the way I did today. A lot of dance walking… Ha. I got Rocky a harness so I can harness his strength and walk him for once, and it was amazing! I made that dog my bitch and I laughed out loud as I dance walked him all over town.

Today was actually insanely STUFF. I woke up early, sat in on a meeting I wasn’t invited to or necessarily needed (coffee and bagels – everything with jalapeño cream cheese, hot, thank you), went to Target and finally got trash bags, hit up Marshall’s and bought… a pencil for Mandi and a cereal storage thing? I don’t know I was wasting time and money, obviously. Went to Michael’s and returned half the useless crap I bought on Saturday. I loitered in the garden center at Home Depot for a good while too. Cleaned, did laundry, spruced, set aside shit to donate, went to see Geno at work….

I attempted to start Vampire Diaries season 4 and I realized very quickly that I really wasn’t paying any attention to season 3. So I feel like maybe I will restart all that. Next Monday….

I am totally aiming to have a 3 day weekend…. next weekend??! I kind of want to just blow my entire PTO bank and have a veg-fest with my fuzz butts… mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Things to do with a three day weekend:

Sleepless in my bed

Tonight is one of those “I’m quitting smoking, again” nights and I feel kiiiiinda like a failure because I sort of went out and bought a pack of smokes. Then I smoked one. And I loved it.
I know I don’t actually love smoking, that I’m just addicted, I actually hate smoking….. I’m just addicted

The dog just farted and I am not impressed. I feel like he does shit like that just to piss me off. Like laying there licking himself over and over and over and over again, I’m like HEY ROCKY CALM THE FUCK DOWN.
My fan isn’t loud enough to mask the licking sound I despise.
There is a lingering dog fart odor.
I am craving nicotine.
I am experiencing hunger like nothing else. Sugar and salt. Mmmmm..
I’m cranky and irritated.
quitting smoking is so 1997

The Struggle

I am in the process of designing a back piece… HP style. It is very difficult. I have an idea in mind but putting it on paper is kinda harder than I thought simply because I am lazy.

I found this though


Super impressed. Found it floating on Google.. who do you belong to, WTF photo?

I know I need to take a shower, I am just avoiding everything today! It totally feels like its 11 at night.

I just want to go shopping!!