Pizza for breakfast: why men cheat and how meditating is driving me crazy

Men cheat because they fucking suck. 

Now, that is a tad biased and not based on any scientific fact or research. That statement is my simple understanding of how the world spins. 

In other news… 

Meditating is a lie. It’s a damn lie! I am sure that no one knows how to really do it, just like I am convinced that no one really knows how airplanes fly. Great mysteries of the world.

It’s just so frustrating because I am such a novice it’s not even funny, and I struggle immensely with the act of just being… 

So, my understanding is that everyone starts out feeling this same way, on some level. It’s this whole “getting out of my head” thing that traps me. My mind is always racing. It’s as if there are always things a-goin-on up there, sometimes it feels like thoughts on top of thoughts! Can that even happen?

I am a perfectionist of sorts, and I just want to be able to do it NOW! I know it takes time, practice, “honing in on a skill”…. but I’m a whiney baby and I want what I want when I want it and I want it now! 

Example: I was a small girl, like 5 maybe, and my mom took me to my very first ballet class. We danced and did our things and had fun and then class was over. All the girls went to their moms and were being bundled up to go home while I stood there like “what the fuck is happening”… I was pissed! Why were we being sent away, we weren’t done! My mom says she tried to explain to me that this was just the first class and that we’d keep coming back. That wasn’t good enough for me, I was throwing a tantrum because I wasn’t a ballerina yet!!! She had to soothe me somehow and convince me that this was indeed how life wield as that you can’t just be a ballerina like *that*.

I want *THAT* 

I am such an inpatient woman – and I know that learning the art of meditation will alleviate so unnecessary stress in my life. It’s really just about taking baby steps to get there. Enjoy the journey or whatever cliche line yoga ladies like to use. Not that I have anything against yoga ladies but FR FR FR – a lot of them are pretty weird, but more power to them, but FR……. I LIKE YOGA, yoga is fun and sexy and makes me feel like a limber sun-goddess libra warrior princess – BUT some yoga people smell like fart. 

How to harness my restless energy, tame the impatient beast inside ALL WHILE CLEARING MY MIND? That’s what I don’t get.

Lol like, what kind of game is this? 

Intriguing.

I try breathing exercises and that totally (kind of) helps (me fall asleep which isn’t the goal but napping is nice) and has me feeling really positive about the path I am on. 

My favorite would be where I imagine myself laying on the beach, at the ocean, Waimanalo to be exact, and the tide is slowly coming in.

I close my eyes and I lay there and tense my WHOLE body – basically flexing every muscle and then take a deep breath. Hold for a second, then I imagine that with every exhale – 8 counts – the tide is rolling out – relax body. With every inhale the tide rolls in and I flex one part of my body – 6 counts – it touches my toes first… relax, 8 counts out. Deep breath in, flex toes and feet – tide rolls back in and hits the top of my feet. Relax… 8 counts out, its rolling back in and hits my ankles… 8 counts out relax… and so on until the “tide” reaches my crown. Does that make sense? Did I explain that well enough? Do I care?

I have made it “all the way” a couple times – usually I make it to the sternum and I’m sleeping. So I do that before I go to bed now since it works well for that.

I have been honestly meaning to try out the meditation center however I am also struggling to grasp the concept of time management! Another topic for a later time. One of these days it will happen for me!

It seems that more people (like me) have greater success at achieving their meditation goals with the help of a guided class or an instructor of sorts. I have attempted some videos on YouTube and different cds but they seem to only work as much as I want to work them. Having the ability to simply turn them off does not keep me engaged or feel like I’ve actually committed to something. Which is also why I kind of fear online college classes! 

Anywho – right now all I can do is commit to doing what I can. I am holding myself accountable and actually attempting the goals I set for myself each week (no matter how small some of them might be I always feel incredible after accomplishing them and CROSSING THEM OFF THE LIST) as well as making sure I am taking time out of my day to day to reflect on some good shit. Like Elton, because I love him.

Or random sushi dates followed up with scrumptious cupcakes, macaroons & a documentary about escorts with Eugene! 

OR…. DRUMROLL…..

This 14 day European vacation booked for the end of July! I have yet to determine my alter ego but I will have a name and a solid backstory by the time we land in Amsterdam. 

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Stressed and Sweaty: Summer in the City

For the past couple of months I have been lurching through life with an ominous [internal] black cloud floating over me. 

I have been off Zoloft for a while now – I ended that relationship in March due to the hurricane of emotions I was hit with every ten fucking seconds. Am I depressed? Sure… do I need a mountain of prescription pills to sustain life? Jury is still out on that one… are the feelings I am experiencing only here because I am not medicated? I am thinking no, confidently. 
No, this feeling is less “empty jar where my heart should be” and more like marbles rolling around in my stomach, bricks on my chest.
Work. 
Sigh.
Work.
It is like this weird game that I am somehow just realizing I am a part of. Sometimes I love it, and I live it, and its this thing that consumes me and I am it, and it seems like I cant get enough! Other times I am drained to the point of no return. Honestly, I am ashamed with the amount of time I spend thinking of hiding under my desk just to escape the noise.
Its like I am two different people all at once. Work Maria loves the chaos of the day to day, the busy-bee queen feeds off the high pressure environment, the ringing of the phones, the stupid customers asking stupid questions. I cant explain the satisfaction felt after assisting one of my team members with a difficult situation or completing a daunting task.
The other Maria, the one I am still struggling to get to know and understand, she is afraid. She knows she is not indispensable, she knows she can be replaced. She feels like she is juggling machetes, and that any second one will not be caught and artfully tossed into the air, if you catch my drift. She feels like she does not belong, that she is not capable, she feels her shortcomings outweigh her abilities.
After chatting with my therapist for some time I have come to the realization that in both my personal and professional life that there is this underlying need for not only acceptance but a need for being needed. 
I guess on some level I have always known that because I mean, come on, who doesn’t want to feel needed? 
Boundaries.
That is my problem. I take work home with me. Literally. 
Thing 1 : Mission to Mars – a select few of us were chosen to partake in the first ever mission to the future. What this means, I have no fucking idea. I was tasked, along with my fellow astronauts, to read a book about a ship [not a shark, as I later discovered after asking everyone about the “shark book”] and to bring back discussion topics for our next training session. 
Okay. That isn’t so bad. I like reading, books are cool, they smell good, and this one could potentially help advance my career and instill a new level of leadership I didn’t know I had. Cool. Bring book home. Read book in spare time. 
Thing 2 : EVERY-FUCKING-THING ELSE!! 
THE TEXT MESSAGES – THE EMAILS – THE PHONE CALLS – THE ANXIETY OF KNOWING I LEFT WHEN THINGS WERENT COMPLETED – DID I LET MY TEAM DOWN – SHOULD I HAVE STAYED LATER – SHOULD I HAVE COME IN EARLIER – SHOULD I HAVE TAKEN A LUNCH BREAK TODAY – DID I TAKE TOO MANY BREAKS TODAY – DID I SWEAR TOO MUCH TODAY – DID I DRESS PROFESSIONALLY ENOUGH – DID I – DID I – DID I – SHOULD I – SHOULD I – SHOULD I …. FUCKING JESUS A CHRIST!!!!!!!!!!!
See, I don’t know how to walk away and leave it at that. I don’t know how to leave work AT work, leave all my shit there so I can pick it up the next morning when I return. Do people actually do that? I do not believe that I am the only person who gets into their car and instantly starts panicking about “what the fuck just happened today”, “what could or should I have done differently/better/more[or less] of/this/that/20 other things”… I know I am not the only person who does this and yet… I know for a fact that the one thing that me and my fellow panic-ers have in common… we probably aren’t too happy. 
And then when the texts or calls come in, man, that triggers a new level of panic for me. Why have I failed my team? If I was better they would have the resources needed to answer these questions on their own and get through the day without having to call me. Or have I bred a culture of “neediness” where I wasn’t actually giving my team the tools required to excel, but only giving “just enough” so my team felt empowered but really, I was only crippling them enough for them to not notice how much I needed them to need me and I secretly and subconsciously created these crazy fucking roadblocks where people HAD to go through me for approval and answers???? 
WHAT DID I DO? AND… did I actually do this???
We are in the process of this Mission to Mars where we are learning more traction-y ways of being a leader/boss and going through LMA sessions. Now, this is not my first LMA rodeo, I have sat through the videos, read [skimmed] how to be a great boss, and filled out one of the LMA questionnaires for my boss, Scott. 
We sat down in a conference room on Tuesday, me and this new group of astronauts, and we watched the video – first time for some, second or thirdsies for others – and discussed. Scott rambled off some stuff about things and we went through the LMA questionnaire again. AND HOLY SHIT – I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE RIGHT THEN AND THERE.
I COULDNT ANSWER YES FOR ANY OF THE QUESTIONS. I was a no for all categories. 
And that made me cry. Not for myself, even though I have been known to be exceptionally selfish, but for my fucking team. Like, lord, what? Honestly, I know this last year has been somewhat of a blur both in my personal life and at work, and I knew that there were aspects of my work life that I really needed to narrow in on and re-group/re-focus on. I just didn’t realize how far off course I really was until I sat down and read that stupid fucking piece of paper. 
Aaand queue more waterworks. 
For those of you not familiar with LMA its basically like this: Leadership + Management = Accountability… and something like if you are a good leader and can manage shit your team will be successful and happy and respect you. The questionnaire asks things like “do you make time for your team and give them what they need”… 
So, based on my really shitty explanation of something a bit more complex than that I am sure you can understand why I was [am] so upset. 
It all makes sense now. This needy culture WAS created by me, my absence as a LEADER created a black hole. These people are just looking for someone to help them out and I was too busy being a raging ball of BITCH to actually give a serious damn. I gave a half-hearted damn, I was going through some shit, okay? 
Excuses are like assholes but whatever, that is all I’ve got.
How long can someone be “going through some shit”before its just “my life is shit”… and when do you know when you have crossed the line from one to the next? How will I know if I am succeeding? 
What does success look like?
When will going to work stop giving me anxiety? When will being at work stop giving me anxiety? When will leaving work stop giving me anxiety? When will sitting at home on the couch watching shitty TV stop turning into thinking about work and getting anxiety? When will a text message from work stop giving me anxiety?
Is it my job – or is it me? I am quite certain it is both.
I don’t know – I am not a mental health professional but at the same time I don’t trust half of em, so whatever.
I just want to be fucking happy. I cant remember what it feels like to be genyinely happy, and that makes me even more fucking depressed.
I feel like a damn idiot, going through the motions every day. 
Cheesy-toothy grin and a wave “hi hello good morning” “how are you? Oh me, I’m fine thanks for asking!” “Love your shirt today” “INSERT LAME STORY ABOUT ELTON THAT NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT BUT HE IS MY LIFEBLOOD”… cry at desk, cry in bathroom, cry while smoking, cry in a different bathroom…. think about eating. 
WORK
GO HOME
MAYBE SEE FRIENDS – joke and joke and joke – touch on one serious topic and go deep into self realization that I am shit, I know nothing about being a person – back to jokes and jokes and maybe food eating
GO HOME
MAYBE PAINT
LOOK AT ELTON
ORDER DELIVERY FROM PARKWAY PIZZA – SEE SAME DELIVERY DRIVER – FEEL LIKE SHIT FOR ORDERING TAKE OUT AGAIN
LOOK AT ELTON
SLEEP FOR A COUPLE HOURS
HIT SNOOZE *19* FUCKING TIMES BECAUSE I SET MY ALARM FOR 6 AM BUT CANT WAKE UP UNTIL 745
STARE AT ADULT ACNE IN MIRROR AND CRY
GET READY FOR WORK
PANIC WHOLE WAY INTO WORK – WHAT DID I FORGET TO DO
PANIC ALL DAY AT WORK – WHAT AM I FORGETTING TO DO
PANIC WHOLE WAY HOME FROM WORK – WHAT DID I FORGET TO DO
*repeat every day for 9 months with the exception of a handful of days
I am tired.