A decade of honesty & self loathing – my journey with sobriety

It does not feel like ten years.

Just the other night I was “reminiscing” with friends about parties we went to and different events we somehow managed to crash and it felt like it was a LIFETIME ago.

No, it definitely does not feel like ten years.

People will ask me from time to time if I miss drinking and I’m like… “LOL YES?? I’m a fucking alcoholic….”

To me, being an alcoholic means admitting that I am powerless over drugs and alcohol. It means that I have a serious problem with moderation. It means that I cannot remember a time I drank that didn’t involve me getting sick, fighting or both.

For me, personally, it is not a daily struggle. Anymore. The first 3 years were the hardest and then it kind of became second nature.

I’m not going to lie and say there haven’t been triggering moments where I’m craving, wanting or even NEEDING a drink (a whole bottle, I never did “a drink”..) because those moments happened when I least expected them since day one.

It was more frequent in the beginning – like, everything triggered me wanting a drink.

  • Car won’t start? DRINK
  • Late for work? DRINK
  • Got yelled at? DRINK
  • Bills are late? DRINK
  • Short on cash? DRINK
  • Lonely as hell? DRINK
  • Someone said/did something you didn’t like? DRINK

And then it was just petty shit…

  • Woke up? DRINK
  • Went to work? DRINK
  • It’s the weekend? DRINK
  • Bored? DRINK
  • Saw booze? DRINK
  • STLL ALIVE? DRIIIINK
  • LIFE SUCKS ASS?? DRRRRIIIIINNK DAMNIT!!!

Somehow I made it through most of all that unscathed and I lived to tell the tale.

The hardest part of my recovery is the loneliness. I almost wrote “crippling loneliness” but it’s definitely not crippling, I’m just dramatic. It’s a very lonely world when you are not completely submerged in “the fellowship” – which in my experience is mostly a cult but maybe I haven’t found the right one……?

It’s hard for people to relate and they think you’re some boring ass-hat who doesn’t like to have fun. It’s like NO! I’m the epitome of fun! I know how to party, believe me!! I’ve been court ordered to rehab… TWICE! They don’t do that for people who DONT know how to party! Please be my friend! LET ME LOVE YOU!!!

Beyond the loneliness factor – I do have a SOLID group of friends who I wouldn’t trade for the fucking world. These are friends who keep me on my toes, engaged with the world and they love and respect me.

These past ten years have been so incredible. Mostly because I can remember most of it! I hate remembering it all but at the same time I don’t. It’s win/lose, you know?

Lose because the bad sticks with me forever until I have enough therapy sessions to let it dissolve and float away.

WIN because I have DONE and SEEN and EXPERIENCED some amazing shit in these past ten years. Things I never could have dreamt of, things that were never a possibility when I was active in my addiction.

Well, here I am… doing all that feelin’ shit.

Lol why are my neighbors screaming? Like, I know they are from Virginia but it’s NOT the first time it’s snowed and they are on the front steps yelling… athe snow. They do drugs. It’s fine, they smoke weed and I can’t judge them because they are older and they’ve lived their lives so if they want to get stoned on a Sunday afternoon and yell at the snow who am I to say shit?? But my WALL neighbors (the ones I share a wall with) are annoying as hell. Mostly the girlfriend that just moved in last year. The guy isn’t so bad and he’s hot but her voice echoes through these walls and penetrate your eardrum like a needle poking through a thick cloth. I want to slap her. I’m going to sleep with her man. Whatever. I’m a bad bitch.

ANYWAY – here is a journal entry I found from 2009 shortly after I sobered up:

“Leah and Mandi are drunk now, talking to these men as we sit under an umbrella in an already enclosed patio space. As I stare into the skeletal structure of this massive umbrella, the crisp static of conversations around me barely making its own at into my thoughts, I’m wondering how such an ill conceived idea as umbrella-d tables in a covered smoking patio came to be when I noticed a hand caressing my knee.

Not in a sexual advance kind of way, more of a friendly way, but he was no friend. Not even someone I could call an acquaintance. Just some tired old guy in a tired old gay bar trying to regain my attention.

The night was just a bunch of brief encounters full of compliments, insults & derogatory remarks (mostly from Leah and the man who eerily resembled Chris Frank).

I don’t know how we managed to break ties with these guys we were smoking with but I do remember Leah’s booming laughter trailed by “there’s too much estrogen here, let’s go to Pi”…

I chuckled nervously, she always knew what NOT to say. I look at my nails judging. They’re too square and I hate that. I always ask for round and for some reason they always make them square. I hate square. Square nails are gaudy. Square nails are for women without class, tact or grace. I don’t want to be at the bar anymore.

When I was younger I thought that sitting in a bar with a cigarette lit in one hand and a drink in another was the epitome of greatness.

In reality it was as me sitting slouched over a mug of rail vodka & dry ass cranberry juice listening to bad remixes of already bad songs… standing outside to smoke a cigarette while fat sweaty men hang all over their fat sweaty girlfriends.

I went to bars to drink away my problems at home. I drank at home to forget who I was.

I started drinking to be cool and have fun. I quit because I wasn’t cool and I wasn’t having fun.

I don’t know where I’m going, I barely know where I’m coming from. But… finally, I feel like I’m beginning to know who I am.”

And that’s that. I’m going to buy a pack of smokes and enjoy this beautiful snowy day.

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Pizza for breakfast: why men cheat and how meditating is driving me crazy

Men cheat because they fucking suck. 

Now, that is a tad biased and not based on any scientific fact or research. That statement is my simple understanding of how the world spins. 

In other news… 

Meditating is a lie. It’s a damn lie! I am sure that no one knows how to really do it, just like I am convinced that no one really knows how airplanes fly. Great mysteries of the world.

It’s just so frustrating because I am such a novice it’s not even funny, and I struggle immensely with the act of just being… 

So, my understanding is that everyone starts out feeling this same way, on some level. It’s this whole “getting out of my head” thing that traps me. My mind is always racing. It’s as if there are always things a-goin-on up there, sometimes it feels like thoughts on top of thoughts! Can that even happen?

I am a perfectionist of sorts, and I just want to be able to do it NOW! I know it takes time, practice, “honing in on a skill”…. but I’m a whiney baby and I want what I want when I want it and I want it now! 

Example: I was a small girl, like 5 maybe, and my mom took me to my very first ballet class. We danced and did our things and had fun and then class was over. All the girls went to their moms and were being bundled up to go home while I stood there like “what the fuck is happening”… I was pissed! Why were we being sent away, we weren’t done! My mom says she tried to explain to me that this was just the first class and that we’d keep coming back. That wasn’t good enough for me, I was throwing a tantrum because I wasn’t a ballerina yet!!! She had to soothe me somehow and convince me that this was indeed how life wield as that you can’t just be a ballerina like *that*.

I want *THAT* 

I am such an inpatient woman – and I know that learning the art of meditation will alleviate so unnecessary stress in my life. It’s really just about taking baby steps to get there. Enjoy the journey or whatever cliche line yoga ladies like to use. Not that I have anything against yoga ladies but FR FR FR – a lot of them are pretty weird, but more power to them, but FR……. I LIKE YOGA, yoga is fun and sexy and makes me feel like a limber sun-goddess libra warrior princess – BUT some yoga people smell like fart. 

How to harness my restless energy, tame the impatient beast inside ALL WHILE CLEARING MY MIND? That’s what I don’t get.

Lol like, what kind of game is this? 

Intriguing.

I try breathing exercises and that totally (kind of) helps (me fall asleep which isn’t the goal but napping is nice) and has me feeling really positive about the path I am on. 

My favorite would be where I imagine myself laying on the beach, at the ocean, Waimanalo to be exact, and the tide is slowly coming in.

I close my eyes and I lay there and tense my WHOLE body – basically flexing every muscle and then take a deep breath. Hold for a second, then I imagine that with every exhale – 8 counts – the tide is rolling out – relax body. With every inhale the tide rolls in and I flex one part of my body – 6 counts – it touches my toes first… relax, 8 counts out. Deep breath in, flex toes and feet – tide rolls back in and hits the top of my feet. Relax… 8 counts out, its rolling back in and hits my ankles… 8 counts out relax… and so on until the “tide” reaches my crown. Does that make sense? Did I explain that well enough? Do I care?

I have made it “all the way” a couple times – usually I make it to the sternum and I’m sleeping. So I do that before I go to bed now since it works well for that.

I have been honestly meaning to try out the meditation center however I am also struggling to grasp the concept of time management! Another topic for a later time. One of these days it will happen for me!

It seems that more people (like me) have greater success at achieving their meditation goals with the help of a guided class or an instructor of sorts. I have attempted some videos on YouTube and different cds but they seem to only work as much as I want to work them. Having the ability to simply turn them off does not keep me engaged or feel like I’ve actually committed to something. Which is also why I kind of fear online college classes! 

Anywho – right now all I can do is commit to doing what I can. I am holding myself accountable and actually attempting the goals I set for myself each week (no matter how small some of them might be I always feel incredible after accomplishing them and CROSSING THEM OFF THE LIST) as well as making sure I am taking time out of my day to day to reflect on some good shit. Like Elton, because I love him.

Or random sushi dates followed up with scrumptious cupcakes, macaroons & a documentary about escorts with Eugene! 

OR…. DRUMROLL…..

This 14 day European vacation booked for the end of July! I have yet to determine my alter ego but I will have a name and a solid backstory by the time we land in Amsterdam. 

West Coast Adventure 2016

A summary of our 2016 friends trip from MPLS TO Portland, OR to celebrate Mandi and Eugenes BDays! 

Wishing I could be on Cape Mears – in Tillamook – but now I have something to look forward to! 

Left MPLS on Saturday June 25th – only 1hr late- left at 7:30am. I drove from MPLS to Jamestown, ND. Boring drive but safe! Roads got scary in Montana! We Stayed in a Buddha house on top of a hill with mountain views in Livingston. Took us like forever to find the house, that was embarrassing. Tested my vegetarian morals with tons of beef jerky temptation. I took a small piece (size of a broken pencil lead and chewed it and spit it out. I’m still a vegetarian. 

No coffee creamer at the first place to no coffee in the am – drank chai tea on the balcony staring at the mountains. Ate great pizza & brunch in Livingston, MT @ Gills Goods! Got a Birkenstock tan. Saw The Garden of 1,000 Buddhas. Got a free rock there. Saw a deer poop in a field outside of Billings, MT. 

Decided 1/2 way to Spokane that I need a pop up camper & that I needed to take Reed across the country with me. The mountains in Idaho are scary as hell – “just because the speed limit is 80 doesn’t mean you gotta go 80” – pretty but scary. I used a nasty dirty rest stop potty. Used a lot of hand sanitizer. Didn’t see any: deer, mountain goats, bear or other wildlife. 

We stayed in a cozy house in Spokane. Shopped for groceries at a discount market with mostly almost expired food. Met a puppy and a cat. Took some fun pictures and passed out while the gang played monopoly deal. Someone made breakfast & had coffee before we drove off through the mountains – we made it without accident (whew).  

Left my glasses in Spokane 😦

Got off track after a random rest stop and ended up getting routed through a mint farm – we rolled down the windows and enjoyed the wonderful smell! Drove through Portland for our next rental, in Cape Mears/Tillamook, it was fun to get a sneak peak. 

We had a drive through Tillamook State Forest to get to Tillamook which was gorgeous and like an hour drive. Wanted to hike a bit wish we could have. 

Tillamook is the cutest place ever. A lot of cows of course so it smelled like manure which both Cory and Eugene agreed smelled aiiight. 

Stayed in a beach cabin on the ocean at Cape Mears. Decided the beach is ALWAYS the place to be. Used a wood burning stove to warm up the house. Cory became the worlds best lighthouse operator. Played games all night and chatted about stuff. Cory and I shared a room. I had a funky lopsided bed and slept with the windows open while listening to the ocean. The air was salty. It remained in the low 60’s during the day about low 50’s at night so basically my kinda weather. “Sweather weather” according to Cory! 

We all sat on a bench outside of the ocean our first night and listened to the waves. We discovered that Cory would make an excellent lighthouse with the flashlight his mother got him.

Had some great coffee from Seattle with breakfast – cinnamon rolls – dropped one on the floor and Eugene ate it anyway. Drove up the coast on the PCH —Amazing drive, peaceful and serene on the PCH – 101? – awesome views of cliffs, oceans, bluffs, hills and forests. Visited Cannon Beach where we screamed “Goonies Never Say Die” with the sand in our toes and splashed in the freezing water. Saw a starfish. Had fresh seafood in Astoria. Drove over a lot of bridges. Had a bonfire on the beach and listened to Prince and the Beach Boys while making smores and laughing. Got scared on the beach. Danced down the street in the moonlight with flashlights listening to Robyn. 

Woke up and cleaned up and had more cinnamon rolls on our last day in Tillamook. Adventures the beach and found a fort made of driftwood. Saw a bunch of jellyfish. Decided that Reed would love Tillamook and that we will go here someday. Seymour chased a bird into the ocean.. It was scary.

Stopped at the Cape outlook to see the octopus tree and lighthouse. Never saw the lighthouse but saw the big octopus tree and wandered the edge of the cliff to get pics of the bay. 

Went to the Tillamook Cheese Factory and had amazing cheese curds and grilled cheese. Bullied a little boy about the souvenir penny machines. 

Drove to Portland and saw a scary screaming man on the side of the road in downtown, obviously mentally disturbed and or high on drugs. Discovered Oregon is pronounced “OR-eh-GUN”. 

Went out on the town while the van was running and unlocked for over two hours. 

Ate some great food and laughed.

Had a great ass brunch at The Waffle Window (10/10) … Watched GOT season finale. Went thrifting and got cool stuff (KILL sweatshirt!) went to an art festival and saw giant bubble blowers. Ate two dinners, one at a rice shop and one at home – veggie hot dogs.. We stayed up late & played “The real game of LIFE” and Eugene won – I almost won! Didn’t sleep well! 

Slept in and Eugene made French toast for everyone, and coffee. It was delicious!! Bummed around. Walked to get coffee and tea and bakery tasty stuff (Eugene got a Bavarian cream filled popover from a bakery owned by an intergenerational gay couple). Eugene and I explored the neighborhood and picked out houses we’d want to live in. 

Went zip lining an hour away from Portland and saw 2 waterfalls on the way. Laughed at Eugene for trying to zip when he wasn’t suppose to. Bummed around some more when we got back. 

Went out to dinner and got amazing French cuisine at a small Portland bistro (Petite Provence) we all shared our dishes – fries, marrow, salads, salmon, shrimp, pork, steak & some other fish, a ton of amazing amazing desserts) got an after dinner cappuccino to pair with my Black Beauty triple chocolate cake. Ate too much and had to hold my food baby while walking 6 blocks home. Left my favorite jean jacket (got it when I was 16) at the bistro and our server ran two blocks to catch up to me to return it. 

Laughed a lot. Got upset because I was too full to eat Corys homemade guacamole. 

Picked poems out of a collection of Shel Silverstein books to read aloud – we recorded our poetry. Laughed more. Packed – took pictures and looked at pictures. Stayed up way too late and finally crawled into bed around 12:30am. Got up around 1:00am to tell Cory and Eugene to be quiet and then just stayed up even later gabbing with them. 

We all overslept and got a late start to get on the road! Well Mandi woke up but decided to go back to bed! Stopped for gas and breakfast an hour out of Portland and some guy was upset that we were blocking a gas pump.Oh yea, it’s illegal to pump your own gas in Oregon! Whoops.

Stayed on the Missouri River in Montana for a night. Took a bunch of pics of the sunset. The house was next to a street called “old woman’s grave road”, not creepy. We watched an episode of friends while eating garbage pizza and gummy bears. Smoked a cigarette by the river with Eugene and let a ton of bugs into the rental. Slept very well. 

Got a late start in the am and spent hours on the road. I drove 86mph for 2.5 hrs into North Dakota. Listened to hot JAMZ and laughed told stories. Texted Bre a bunch. Watched fireworks in the country during the drive. Stargazed while listening to Lou Reed. Almost hit two deer on the side of the road. 

Made it home around 2am on July 4th! 

XoXo

The deed has been done!

First clue of the PP Treasure Hunt and I am beyond stoked! I know for sure that at least one other member of my crew is stoked as well. I only say that because the rest of the crew is still sleeping. We really need a crew name. We’ve come up with some pretty lame garbage ones in the past. Maybe that’s why we have never found the medallion? My god. We’ve been so close every year. This is it! I am so sad that I am going out of town for the weekend, though. Excited to see my grandma and spend time with her and my mother… SO SAD to miss out on 48hrs of hunting time. Yikes. I hope that doesn’t make or break us this year.

Oh well. Deep breaths!

I have an easy to-do list today:

1. Brunch – this is non-negotiable. We have no groceries and I need food.
2. Grocery shop – mmm hmmm!
3. Tear up the gym – abs today (yikes!)
4. Spruce – the house doesn’t require too much work but some chores are definitely overdue.
5. Whatever!

I left my planner at work 😩 so I can’t plan my week out in it. I’m feeling itchy because of it. I can work it out on paper and in my phone but it’s not the same when it’s not in my planner! Ehhhhhhghhhhhh!!!!

An open letter to my dog [and other things]

My Dearest Rocky,

Just because I didn’t eat that last slice of pizza it doesn’t mean that I wanted you to have it. I am really upset that you ate it and we both know what you did was not good. Pretty soon you will not be feeling too well, and things will take a horrible turn when liquid shit steams out of your bum. You know you have a sensitive stomach. I don’t want to deal with that, and neither do you.  I wish I could say I hope you will have learned your lesson, but I know better.

Until next time,

Marmy

[[[[[woooop]]]]]

Sometimes by best thoughts/ideas/inspiration comes to me from the shower. I’m not saying that my shower talks to me or feeds me information, I am saying that I generate this stuff whilst showering.

TODAY – I am going to Afton Apple to be “crazed by the maze” – a 15 acre “haunted” corn maze with my friends. I am so excited! Apple donuts, apple sausages, apple cider…. spooky autumn wonderfulness! This year’s theme is in honor of St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. I am sooooooo excited! What a perfect end to my week [today is my Friday] – lets get ready to rumble! I haven’t decided if I will bring a flashlight or try to go through with nothing but my love, my friends & my night-blindness. HA!

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The past 32 hours

Welp, Ren Fest was just as fun and food-filled as I had hoped it would be! I walked out $60 lighter with my silver fox tail, lucky rabbits foot & about 3lbs of food stuffed in my belly. Shared: 3 meat pies, 1 ear of corn, 1 two foot long tube of beef jerky, three bottles of Vitamin Water & 1 Turtle Sunday. YUM.

The highlight of my day yesterday is a tie between seeing the most adorable fluff butt Shepard pup named Colfax. He was tiny as a Shepard pup could be and had the greatest fro I’ve ever seen on a dog. Just great. And then there was the brilliant idea to play the “dueling buckets” game, where two opponents stand apart, directly under buckets of water, facing one another with 3 sandbags. The first to knock the target at their opponents side wins, the loser getting doused with cold water. WELL Mandi [the bestie] and I thought it would be a great way to spend $1 so we pass our belongings off and decide to duel. Not such a good idea for me wearing my wonderfully unprotected leather booties.

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I totally won on the 2nd toss and laughed as my best friend of 20 years was drenched with about 3 gallons of water. She, the sports queen – basketball, soccer, softball etc.. lost to MOI – Maria the bookworm, never played a sport [well] in her life, won! MUAHHAHAHHAA!! Then, surprisingly enough to me, my prize for winning was to also be drenched with about 3 gallons of water.

In the picture above my friend Cat beautifully captured the moment, me, blinded by the glaring sun, desperately clinging to my soaked shirt hoping the water would stop coming so I could keep my clothes on.

What an awkward game! What an awkward 45 minutes afterwards as we continued wandering through the place. Slosh slosh sloshing along, My boots are still wet as I lay in bed typing this. I broke into random laughter throughout the day thinking of how stupid we were to think that was a good idea.

At least I got my fox tail.

TODAY – I shocked myself by walking to Target this morning. I prepped myself for this intense journey by putting on my best [and only] walking shoes, grabbing my water-bottle and transferring all my pursely items to my backpack for easier travel. So basically I found out that Target is about .9 miles from my house. So I totally felt like an asshole. I got my morning coffee and scoped out some new sheets.

HOLY FUCK – $49.99 for sheets?? Where have I been?? I guess that since my bed was a hand-me-down complete with 4 different sheets [2 sets of purple, 2 sets of gold] with pillow cases & matching comforter I haven’t really had the need to browse the sheet isle, or take notice. Well, I’ll be damned! Looks like I am asking Santa for sheets this X-Mas.

Not that I don’t think quality sheets are worth fifty bones, its just that mine are in perfectly great condition granted they’re about 8 years old. I just wanted to get a set of flannel sheets, ya know, for winter and whatever. Oh well.

Attempted to buy some of those oh so stylish and impossible to find brown knee high fall boots. I guess my calves are RIDICULOUSLY tiny because not a pair in that store fit me! I was in Famous Footwear and NOT ONE of those damn boots would stay up on my calves. Doomed.

I stumbled into Home Depot as well. That was fun wandering through the garden center on such a pretty day! Oh my goodness, the air was so sweet and fresh I almost cried as Megadeath blasted through my iPod. My boyfriend created my playlists. I ended up walking out with a pair of landscaping gloves marketed towards “strong, capable females”, which I consider myself to be when I am not weak & helpless. They are really cute with a nice coushy padding in the palm with a leathery grip and a fun leaf & flower pattern on the back. So, it seems I’ll be doing some more landscaping this year.

My truck… Lil Red… is soon to be dead. My love, my rusty red GMC Sonoma is pretty much as useless to me as a butt-hole on my forehead. Transmission is failing and I am at the point where I really shouldn’t be putting any more money into the thing but my heart is breaking! Such a fun truck. So many memories!

Image her in the summer time

Image one of my gals who adorned the back window

Image Lil Red herself, in all her glory… sure gonna miss ya, Baby!