Motivation: there’s a time & place for everything

I have a very hard time pinpointing why I never do much of anything.

Do I lack motivation? Am I simply lazy? Is there a difference between lacking motivation and being lazy?

Why do I procrastinate? Why are all of my amazing ideas hidden in a Rubbermaid bin under my bed? Why do I never paint, draw, write, post my blogs, clean the bathroom, walk the dog, take bubble baths… the list is endless.

How does one motivate themselves? Is it as simple as repeating inspirational quotes to yourself in a mirror until you achieve your goal like positive self affirmations?

Do people have to learn how to become motivated or is it something you’re born with?

I honestly don’t believe my problem is that I lack passion. Well, actually, it could be. BUT I feel like I’m a very passionate person… I do lose interest in things rather quickly. Could it be that ADHD thing I was told I have??

I partially believe that my problem could be my lack of focus and space. I really don’t have a creative space. Each of the rooms in my home have a purpose (or general purpose) and none of them are really designed to facilitate any sort of creative outlet or artistic expression.

Do I need a desk? Would that help me? Or would adding a desk just help me hide more projects and more ideas to be forgotten about for years. Is the lack of a desk or art space just an excuse to be lazy?

I found an old torn up plastic grocery bag under my bed. I was curious and opened it. There were about 10 really ornately designed rusty old door fixtures. I have no fucking clue why I saved them. Was I planning to do something artsy with them? I dunno. There are a lot of old torn up plastic bags full of ideas I once had but have long since forgotten about.

I want to dream again.

I want to create again.

I want to be motivated. I bought a fucking week/month planner! I had hoped that maybe by somehow buying the giant thing that it would help me manage my time better so that I could MAKE time to do what I used to LOVE! I haven’t. It’s been two months, so maybe I’m just rushing things?

I haven’t felt “myself” in a long time. In all honestly I haven’t felt that spark since I moved out of Eugene’s place over two years ago.

I have thought long and hard about why that is and a few things come to mind, mostly shared interest in creating and functional space.

I just feel kinda lost right now, without real purpose. I don’t know what I am doing with myself anymore.

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Woah!

Holy Moses it’s 2014, and you know what that means…?! It means I will be writing “2013” on everything for another 4 months because I always forget year changes like that. It’s my gift!

Had a swell NYE – awkward, stressful, silly, KISSY <3, dancy, smoky, flannely, and funny! Kissed my boo at midnight (and all throughout the night) and had a funky after party.

Snuggled in bed with the boyfriend, the cat & the dog. So comfortable.

Now I'm waiting for the gang to wake up because I want BRUNCH!!! Need. Needs me somes brunches!!

My New Years resolution:

Take dog on more walks

xoxoxo

Contemplations..

The internet… the world wide web… the one place you can be completely anonymous [unless someone tracks you down via ip address and what-not] and do/see/say whatever it is that your twisted little heart may desire.

Elton is doing this thing where he doesn’t realize that I am not trying to cuddle with him. I think he is so cute and I giggle as I write this but I really do want to pick him up and play “launch kitty” where he soars onto the floor from the bed… after I toss him. He is adorable and I love him yet I am terribly allergic, so if I don’t pay attention to where he is going [like near my face] I tend to end up with hives. Not breathing really isn’t fun. Him walking on my laptop isn’t fun either.

I tend to overreact. I don’t know if I have ever mentioned that before. I guess I am very sensitive, delicate and temperamental. It has always been a joke that if I were a dog I would be a poodle. Ill take that. Poodles are alright. They do stuff in the circus which has kind of been a dream of mine for a long while now.

 look at how classy and sassy that poodle is! Definitely diggin’ it!

I’d be a poodle. If Reed were a dog he’d be a lab for sure. Elton would be a German Shepard. I think Rocky would be something like… himself since he is a dog but if he were a CAT Rocky would have to be something liiiike a Savannah cat… big, wild, jump, loyal and loud!

So I totally overate tonight. It was epic and disgusting. I do it every so often. More often that I would care to admit actually but I am admitting it. I ate about 3-4 servings of waffle fries [exact quantity unknown] with MAYO and hot sauce… goodness I KNOW, I KNOW! DONT’ JUDGE ME! But you can judge me… I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. Anyways.. of course as soon as I finish stuffing my face we decided to go on a walk…?

Why did I go? Why did I do it? Between the horrible lung capacity from smoking [slowly cutting back, on my way to QUITTING] the obnoxiously full belly and the sore ass body from sleeping like a log I can honestly say that tonight I experienced the worst walk of my life. So far because I am sure I will have worse in the future, but this was the worst so far. Oh God, I was dry heaving and begging for mercy, begging for Reed to slow down, begging to sit on stoops belonging to strangers in our neighborhood, begging Reed to leave me, return home to grab the car and come get me… HA! How pathetic! It was a good 45 minute BRISK walk so I shouldn’t have been so close to death like I was. I blame it mostly on the fact that I gorged myself before moving. What a dumb idea. Why didn’t we wait? It’s not like we were on a time limit, or had a curfew or anything. Just in a rush to live!

So now I am in bed. With my sleepy time tea, loaded up on Melatonin, waiting for the computer to die so I can slink down further into bed and dream that I am laying on a beautiful white sandy beach near the ocean. With my  first deep breath in I will imagine the tide rolling up to my toes, with each breath out the tide will roll back out, with the next breath in the tide will roll further up my legs, then back out, further up my body and so on\, ebb and flow of the tide onto myself until I have fallen asleep or the tide has come so far up that the ocean has consumed me and I turn into a mermaid which is usually a sign that I am sleeping.

BYE